Finding My Own Path Back to Adventure Within Motherhood

Motherhood has unequivocally been the greatest experience of my life. One that has been far more difficult than I ever could have imagined, and also at the same time has filled me with more love than I ever thought myself capable of. Even through the thousands of dirty diapers, illnesses, the sass – oh the sass – and the endless boo boos, the sweet far outweighs the negative. But I had no idea just how much not only I would change, but the expectations that others put on me and honestly, that I would put on myself would change.

Being a mother is, in theory, easy. But I want to be more than a mother, I want to be a Mama. I want to be a sense of comfort to my children. A teacher. A friend. An adventure-partner. I want my kids to have what I had with a touch more adventure built in. And being a mama, undoubtedly, takes effort and intention. It takes time and patience – that I don’t always have, and, at times, it feels like a greater sacrifice than I want to give. Because in addition to wanting to be a Mama, I want to be, well, me.

I have always craved travel and adventure. My parents prioritized travel growing up, so we visited national parks out west, went to the beach for large family trips, and explored literary and historic sites. Eventually, experiencing Europe for the first and second time in high school with my mama on tours of France and Italy.

In my first apartment, I had a world map shower curtain that I hung backwards so the true map faced in toward me and I would plan trips around the world while shampooing my hair. Creating dozens of hypothetical routes in which I would explore the world.

I started college pre-med, but fell hard for the first two classes I took (Cultural Anthropology and Paths to World Religion) and those ended up being my major and minor because I loved the exposure to learning about cultures I’ve not experienced, hearing stories about professor’s travels and the things they’d studied and learned and I was hooked. I prioritized travel after a breakup in a relationship that had been holding me back in many ways, but travel was a huge one. I dipped my toe in the water staying close to home and then found myself cannonballing into the deep waters of world exploration after college. I moved to Asheville, NC on a whim, I traveled to Germany, Austria Switzerland and Liechtenstein with my mom, I spent a month in Sweden with friends and started planning a 101 day trip through Southeast Asia with my best friend.

Then, the unthinkable happened. I met Matt. We had a whirlwind romance that culminated in an engagement after just 6 weeks of dating before I went off to Asia for 101 days. We were married a little over a year later and in addition to an incredible husband I gained one of the greatest travel partners of my life and eventually a partner in parenthood. A journey through which has had its ups and downs for us as individuals and as a couple, but ultimately where the story for this post begins.

We had our beautiful babies back-to-back. I was pregnant or breastfeeding (and both for a bit) from May of 2020 until December of 2023. It was a gift to be able to carry my babies and breastfeed each of them for over a year. But, I have to say, I was ready to have autonomy over my body again. But by the time I had my body to myself as an individual, it wasn’t the body I started with almost 4 years before. Even more importantly than that, my mind wasn’t the same. I had postpartum depression after Liam was born and it hit me hard. I wasn’t myself, I was constantly overwhelmed and, frankly, at my lowest times, had suicidal ideations that all at once terrified me and felt like such a relief. I was very down and all alone. I had expressed my feelings of drowning to others for a couple of months and didn’t get help. But one thing I’m very proud of myself for now, is I got myself out of that hole fighting tooth and nail at times for my literal life. Doing that changed something in me. It woke me up and reminded me I’m the only person I can rely on to fully take care of myself, and in 2024 with my head on straight, I wanted to find myself again.

Finding myself wasn’t easy, and weirdly enough, it was a simple, solo hike in the middle of a week on a trail just 20 minutes from my front door that woke me up and changed my life. I took time to look at plants, I laughed and danced in the rain, I splashed in the creek, listened to music and I felt like me. I felt like I was still in there. I love being a mom, but I love being adventurous too. While we’ve had a lot of adventures with our kids, I realized it had been over a decade since I’d done a solo trip. And I started dreaming of doing just that.

Now, I’m just two weeks out from my first solo trip in 11.5 years. And, to be honest, the response to it has been… mixed. Some are intensely worried about me; fearful of me being attacked or injured on trails. Some are rude and make me feel like a bad mom saying, What about your kids? Won’t you miss them? Of course I’ll miss them! They’re pieces of me, but I’ll also come back a better version of me and therefore a better Mama. Your husband is a badass for letting you do that and caring for the kids. Yes, yes he is a badass. He’s a fantastic dad and I am grateful he knows that me doing this is important to who I am. This is the person he fell in love with and married. But also, he gets to do things too – this isn’t one-sided. He chooses different things to spend extra money or time on. Then, there are a few – very few – who praise it and tell me that I am a badass.

I wish that the way people spoke about me was less important to me, but those are the words I want to hear because that’s how I feel. I’m taking 11 days all to myself in Colorado and Utah. I don’t have to ask what anyone else wants to eat. I don’t have to be on anyone else’s timeline. I can hike all day long or none at all. I can order the extra half pint at a brewery and not worry if my kids have that time in them. I can just be me. I can wander, explore, see and simply be.

This year, I had a goal to spend more time with the kids outside. To make them feel more emboldened and empowered by time spent outside, and I feel like how I do that from January to now has improved and grown. That I have improved and grown. I’ve read a lot of books and studies about kids being outside, structured learning in the outdoors, unstructured play, giving them space to enjoy at their pace and ask questions. In late July on my quest to read as many books on the topic, I came across the book Wild Mama by Carrie Visintainer and I just finished it last week and in this book I found so much validation and support from a perfect stranger, but someone who seemingly understood me like no one I’ve met in real life.

In telling her story of how motherhood helped her rediscover her wild and asking readers what is your wild? she made me feel so seen. From mountain adventures, to sailing retreats, Carrie started to carve out time for herself much earlier in to motherhood than I had the wherewithal to know I needed. Carrie’s words felt like my own about moments of wanting to ask for help and wanting to do things for herself. She also spoke so much about finding her “tribe” of mothers. That it wasn’t moms meeting at the mall for exercise classes, but it was a far-flung assortment of women that she met on adventures who were doing motherhood like she was. Everything down to the way she homeroom mommed looks like how I “classroom ambassador” at my daughter’s school. It isn’t Pinterest perfect. It’s simple and sweet, but it’s me. Carrie said something in her book that I think will stick with me for the rest of my life:

“More than I want to fit in to this foreign world of mommy-types, I want to model my authentic self for my children.” 

And that filters into this trip. I want to be a role model for adventure for both of my kids, but I feel a greater responsibility to Charleigh because she will be seen through a similar lens that I am. The roles society consciously or subconsciously set for her will naturally be more limited than those set for Liam. I know she is watching me. She watched me light up while off-roading in Moab and exclaiming, “I feel like a badass!!” as I traversed narrow canyons or narrow roads on the edge of canyons in a Chevy 2500 – I used to be afraid of driving Matt’s old 4Runner. And she started exclaiming the same when she conquers things that she finds difficult. And that’s exactly what I want. I want Charleigh to know she can do hard things. Things out of the norm. Things no one expects and even things others may think are dumb or frivolous. I want her to know that because she watches me be my authentic, adventurous self. I want Charleigh and Liam both to know they can do anything and to know that their partners in life can too.

So, here I am. 35-years-old, 2 weeks-ish out from my first solo trip since I was 23. It’s just 11 days, but also, it’s 11 days! I have big hikes planned, challenges planned, writing planned and lots of whatever happens happens planned and I cannot fucking wait.

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