I Can Be Brave

This last weekend, we went down to Table Rock Lake with my dear friend Alaina and her family. They graciously hosted us and gave us just the very best lake day trip we could’ve ever asked for. We all ate together, shared laughs together, made memories together and somewhere in all of this joy and fun out in nature, I had such a beautiful moment with my daughter.

As a kid, and realistically all the way up until just before my 24th birthday, I was pretty fearless. I had no qualms about going anywhere, doing anything and willing to try just about anything. It was partially naiveté and partially just a confidence that I could do anything. In January 2024, though, while swimming with manatees, I acquired a bit of a fear of the water – more specifically oceans and lakes. The guide on this snorkeling tour gave warning of alligators and sharks in the river. It was in that moment, as a solo traveler, that I realized, I could get attacked by an animal and, realistically, no one was going to help me. Then, the idea that these big massive creatures were going to potentially swim up to me put me in a panic. I got in the water, clenching my teeth so hard on the snorkel that I’m pretty sure they likely had to throw it out after I finished and then after putting my face under and seeing the manatees – one of my top 2 favorite animals in the world – I full on panicked. I got out of the water, back on the boat hyperventilating. Our guide very sweetly talked me down, convinced me to get back in the water and literally held my hand while I floated on a noodle until I was comfortable and then I had the most amazing time. But that night I crashed hard. It was such a shock to my system to be afraid. Truly afraid. Truly panicked.

That fear has carried over to a series of mini panics over the last decade of my life. From a panic attack snorkeling to a shipwreck in Bali and needing to have my friends talk me through getting in a lake in Sweden. Now, as a 33-year-old mother of two, though, I honestly felt like I had gotten it under control. I still don’t love the ocean, but I’ve been in a handful of rivers, streams and waterfalls and not thought anything of it in those types of situations. So, I was very excited for our lake day with my dear friend Alaina and her sweet parents. We all had breakfast at Alaina’s parents’ house and as we were loading up to head down to the dock we had a random conversation about water snakes and that got me thinking about water moccasins and my two sweet babies who would be getting in a lake for the first time ever that day.

We loaded up their UTV and the girls (and Liam) headed down to the dock, while Matt and Scott took off in the truck, pulling the boat, it get it into the lake. As we were walking down to the dock I started to feel my heart beat a little faster. I was holding Charleigh’s hand as she excitedly stomped across the dock pointing out that the water looked green where the boats were parked. Looking into the bright green water surrounding the dock – I’m assuming from underwater lighting because Table Rock is actually a really pretty blue at surface level – my heart started pounding as I realized Matt wasn’t there to help me keep tabs on the kids. I didn’t have their life jackets on them yet, the dock was hot and Charleigh wanted in that water something terrible.

Full disclosure, Alaina and Kelly were wonderful and very helpful with the kids, so it’s not like I was truly alone, but I can be really bad at asking for help, especially when I’m already in a heightened panic state. Luckily, Alaina knows this about me and just jumped into helpful mode. She got Charleigh’s lifejacket on, helped me figure out Liam’s lifejacket and then we got a lifejacket for me. I put mine on an was going to get in the water for them to lower Charleigh down to me. I got to the ladder, stepped two steps down and panicked. I didn’t want to be the first one in the water. In that moment I felt like I couldn’t be the first one in the water. So, honestly, very embarrassed, I looked up at Alaina and said, “I need a minute.” So, I got back out of the water apologizing profusely and red as a tomato. Kelly had been holding Charleigh’s hand and she sweetly said, “Charleigh, you know what Mama just showed you? She showed you how to be brave.” Those words hit me. At first, I felt like I had done the exact opposite. I had shown her how to be scared. But then I realized that there is bravery in knowing and showing your fears and limits.

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Alaina jumped in to Auntie mode and got in the lake so Charleigh could swim. Charleigh walked over to the ladder and we were talking her through going down the ladder and one step down she said, “I can be brave.” She took the next step and got in the water with Alaina. In that moment, my 2½-year-old taught me a lesson in bravery. She put her trust in Auntie ‘Laina and herself. I could do the same. I could rely on others and trust myself. I got in and Kelly sweetly handed Liam down to me. While I wasn’t 100% comfortable for a handful of minutes, I eventually was, and without the support of the other women on that dock, the three of us would’ve missed out on the water that day.

I spent the rest of the afternoon still a little embarrassed. I told Matt about my little freakout and apologized probably 5 times for having a mini panic. Finally, Kelly reiterated to me that it was me who taught her to be brave and reminded me that as Charleigh stepped into the water she looked at me and said, “I can be brave.” I teared up at this, let go of my embarrassment and decided to just take joy in knowing my daughter found her bravery and so did I, thanks to other women uplifting me. So, here’s to women building other women up and teaching the next generation how to do that. Just know, in those moments of panic whisper to yourself, I can be brave, and understand that bravery can be in both going through with the action and in knowing your limits.

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